My demands as one who listens to music!

When I turn on the radio I’m often completely embarrassed on behalf of society for allowing so many people make money off of songs that can only be described as tacky crappy pap! My demands as a listener aren’t that hard to meet, or at least I thought so until I went and looked at Irelands top 40 records…  Here are my demands:

1) Lyrics should make sense.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask that lyrics follow a sense of logic and maintain some decent level of grammar. While I appreciate that colloquialisms are cool and all that, I truly believe that if you want to get your point across and be taken in some way seriously, then you need to show that you have a certain level of command over the English language (or whatever language you’re singing in). To me, not using proper English basically makes you look like an idiot. So when I see someone saying, “I’mma” instead of “I’m going to” I really can’t take them seriously. Even considering poetic license, it should never get to a point where you’re literally abbreviating 4 words together just to have them fit in a 2 syllable space. What’s next? Entire sentences shortened to a single burst of consonants? I can see it now, the latest hit “chgnjmlptn”, which is short for, “I’m not that fond of you especially after you cheated on me and so I’m dumping you and going to a pub to have a few drinks and celebrate my freedom!”

It’s also reasonable to ask that the lyrics follow a sense of logic. Whatever the song is about should be discussed within to a certain level of detail. Simply having a song where the total number of lyrics comprises of “I’mma fuck you up bitch!” then you can’t claim the song is about a particular event, all you can claim is that the song is about threatening some girl with violence.

2) The music should provide something original.

The problem that we are facing is one of the most basic things that humans suffer from, which is a fear of what is different. We as people don’t like the idea of new music; we like to be bombarded with the same stuff repeatedly. We as listeners are creatures of habit and enjoy music that involves a certain formula. The more familiar the better! If you want examples, then have a look at these two videos proving just how easily we latch on to the familiar rather than the different:

I know I’m not alone on this point, and as such I don’t like to listen to the same style of music over and over. I try to avoid the formula as much as I can by jumping from decade to decade, style to style etc. Why should musicians be forced to adhere to a formula in order to make any decent money? Surely the whole point of calling them “Artists” is that they are providing something new to the musical melting pot.

3) The subject of songs should be different.

I’m almost certain that I’m not the only person who has noticed a trend with certain styles of music and the fact that the subject matter of the songs seem to remain the same. The most famous style of music for having stagnant subject matters is Emo. In this genre you are guaranteed a musical moan about how life isn’t fair over and over.  This level of banality is spread across EVERY genre. If someone sings about something other than the “normal” subjects, then they are labelled as “Whacky!” which I think is a load of crap! Frank Zappa was hailed as being eccentric, but the guy simply wrote songs about stuff no one else was and wasn’t afraid to be himself! Why should he be stigmatised purely because he did something different? I think we need a lot more artists like him!

Well there you go, I don’t think I’m asking for too much by mentioning these things, do you? What are your opinions on this matter? What are your demands as a listener?

Felix

PS. Be sure to follow me on twitter (@Felix_Barry)

Cure your hangover… The proper way!

College is wonderful! You learn so much about your chosen subject, but there are several lessons you can only learn by getting out of the library! The most important lesson is how to cure a hangover quickly and be able to go to your 9am lectures. This one took me 5 years to come up with and I do believe that I have it! Now don’t expect too much science, because if you’re hungover you don’t really give a damn about the sciencey stuff!

Now of course, the best and most universal cure is to not over-indulge. However, that’s almost never possible when you’re out with your mates in a pub. My method involves stuff that won’t cost you too much money and more often than not, you’ll have this stuff anyway in your house. The one thing you mightn’t have regular access to is cranberry juice.

1) BURN IT! BURN IT ALL!

Put some toast on, and burn it! Burnt toast is covered in the best substance ever, carbon. The wonderful thing about carbon is that it helps you process the alcohol with a lot less effort.  Be sure to put lots of butter on it… I’m not talking about that spreadable nonsense, use real butter. There’s no science behind it, real butter just tastes better.

2) Food glorious food!

Alcohol requires a lot of energy to be processed, so be sure to eat before going to bed. Don’t eat fast-food, whatever it is about fast-food it’ll wreck you the next morning, so avoid going to McDonalds or the chipper. Instead cook extra food at dinner-time and then eat the extra food when you get back. I highly recommend making a curry, because as we all know, drunk people can’t resist a good curry!

3) Juice it up!

Drink cranberry juice, at least 500ml of it before you go to bed. Cranberry juice has more Vitamin C in it than orange juice and is a lot easier on your already traumatised stomach. Drink it quickly and then hit the hay.

4) Zzzzzzz….

Before you start giving out and telling me that you were going to sleep anyway, hear me out. When you sleep having over-indulged on booze, you don’t actually get good quality sleep. The solution? Set an alarm for 2 hours time, wake up and get out of bed for at least 10 minutes. Have another glass of  cranberry juice and brush your teeth and make an effort to make yourself human. Why? There’s nothing worse than waking up the next morning with stale alcohol on your breath, and generally being in a state of disarray. Getting out of bed will, for the want of a better way of putting it, will convince your body that you’re having a lie-in. You’ll wake up more refreshed having had some proper sleep.

5) The official wake up

When it’s time for you to get up, then get up. Have another glass of cranberry juice and some breakfast, then go have a shower (mostly because you sweat more when you’re sleeping off booze). Walk to work/college/whatever if you can, if not, then take a 20 minute stroll. You’ll need some fresh air to finish off the cure.

Congratulations, you’re now cured! This is a method that seems to work on almost everyone. Most people should be able to do all of the above steps, you’ll need a lot of dedication for it. That being said, the important thing to remember is to rehydrate as much as you can before you go asleep.

As always, please respect your local laws and customs regarding the consumption of alcohol.

Anyway, hope my little cure works for you.

Felix

PS. Be sure to follow me on twitter

Bulmers Pear – Truth revealed! (contains references to poop!)

So over the last while I’ve had a load of people tell me this strange rumour about how a particular product had laxatives in it. Of course, I didn’t believe this for a second, surely there had to be an explanation that didn’t involve some guy in Quality Control sending a batch of this product back saying,

“There isn’t enough laxatives in it, send it back!”

Depending on where you are, you may find that this product is called Magners. Anyway, Bulmers/Magners is well known for their Apple cider. In fact it sponsors a Rugby League, as well as several sports teams, and are particularly well-known for the ad below and making The Kinks popular for about 4 months (since then the song has become known as “The Bulmers Ad” in Ireland). Here’s the video:

So anyway, 12 months or so ago we suddenly find out about this new product, BULMERS PEAR! People where wondering what it would taste like, even though Kopparberg had their own version that was out for an age and a half before-hand.

Now, when this new product came out, a rumour started spreading that Bulmers had put laxatives in the drink to discourage people from binge-drinking. This, to put things in the vernacular, is a load of Bauvine Excrement! I started my investigation by looking up laxatives on Wikipedia, usually I wouldn’t trust Wikipedia as a source, but then again, where better to find information on stuff relating to poop than the internet, where poop jokes reign!

The truth of the matter is that various fruits promote regularity of the bowels. This basically means that all of the poop will flow better if you eat these fruits, examples of these are orange juice and pears (complete list of foods that have a laxative effect). However if you over-indulge on said fruits you will wind pooping at a rate you weren’t exactly expecting. This is due to the fact that when too much regularity inducing foods are consumed, a laxative effect is experienced. Another example of this is mint, mint helps settle your stomach after a big meal, however if you eat too much mint, you’ll be racing for the toilet.

The problem with Bulmers Pear is that it is actually made with real pears. This means that in small quantities, this drink can help you keep your bowels good a regular. However in large quantities, it will cause stomach discomfort and a laxative effect, much like eating too many pears.

So I see you guys there about to ask,

“Well how do you know all of this?” and I shall tell you. I did a little experiment this week, I bought 8 cans of Bulmers Pear and a punnet of pears (contained 8 pears). I used the pears as a reference test, and discovered that after 8 pears I was rushing to the toilet and pooping like it was my one and only means of propulsion to get away from a horde of rampaging zombies (Wow, that was a crude simile). So about 24 hours later, I tried out the Bulmers Pear and got a strikingly similar result however these results only occurred after 5 cans.

Now to take care of all of you idiots who will say,

“But Felix, how many cans of this delicious beverage can I drink before I start redecorating the bathroom?”. The answer is, I don’t know… It all depends on your metabolism and your tolerance to alcohol and other such factors.

So if you wind up drinking Bulmers Pear and discovering that you’re pooping at a faster rate than normal, that is why. It’s because Bulmers took the time to put real fruit in their cider and the side-effect is not down to their product, but rather the natural characteristic of pears. So the next time you hear this rumour, don’t ring the number on the side of the can because now you know…. AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!

This product is very much delicious, and is definitely something worth drinking in this warm weather. As always, do try to drink responsibly, you don’t want to wind up sick, injured, arrested or dead, so do obey your local laws regarding the consumption of alcohol. Be sure to check out the home page to see the most recent articles. While you’re at it, be sure to follow me on twitter (Yes, I’ve joined the huddled masses finally).

Anyway, have fun!

Felix

Deep Thoughts: Gerry Ryan

You’re all aware of the social convention to have respect for the dead. I believe in it myself and would never say a bad thing about someone who recently died, but if I didn’t have anything good to say then I’d just keep my mouth shut. That is until now… I’m officially pissed off at all the false and empty praise that a certain radio DJ is receiving from the public.

Here’s the thing, recently an Irish radio host by the name of Gerry Ryan died. All of a sudden, EVERYONE who never actually gave a shit about him started to give a shit about him. Seriously, the majority of people in Ireland are fully aware of how boring and beige he is. The majority of entertainment value his shows had was the fact that the people who rang in were always (and I mean alway) complete toss-pots who ranting on about topics that they know feck all about or else they’d be rant about something completely pointless. I remember tuning in one time when I was in an area where only RTE Radio 1 was available and for almost 40 minutes there was a farmer ranting about the fact that someone left a gate wide open. I was amazed at the fact that the radio didn’t spontaneously come to life and fling itself off the roof of the house out of sheer boredom! His employment history is littered with shows that got cancelled for literally being too fucking boring!

That little rant aside, I am shocked, appalled, sickened and disgusted at the fact that the entire country is acting like they really cared about this guy. The fact is, his shows were only ever played in doctor’s surgeries and the homes of the beige, boring and daft. All of these locations, anyone with a personality and a shred of sanity would avoid unless their presence there was absolutely necessary. The problem with all of this is that people believe that because RTE and various newspapers are talking about it and saying nice things that they in turn should say nice things about him. WHY?! It’s like mourning the loss of a complete stranger. It’s equivalent to crying over someone else’s spilled milk. This guy died, along with tonnes of other people. What makes this Gerry Ryan different to everyone else?

So how is the empty praise of fickle people offensive? Well just think about it… People aren’t praising him because they loved him; they’re praising him because other people are praising him. This basically means that they feel no sense of loss; they are just acting that way because they believe they should because others are mourning him. GO AWAY! If I died, the last thing I’d want is for people to pretend that they cared that I was dead. How would you feel if a complete stranger turned up at your funeral and just sat there pretending to mourn you purely because there was a bunch of people (aka YOUR friends and family) mourning your loss. That person would be seen as a complete lunatic, a creepy perverted individual, and above all else a complete tosspot!

I would like to take this opportunity apologise to Gerry Ryan’s friends and family on behalf of all these charlatans because everyone knows already these complete frauds won’t! While I’m sorry for your loss, I am not going to sit here and pretend that I always listened to his shows and hung on his every word. I’m not going to tell everyone what a great guy he was because I didn’t really know him either personally, professionally or even as a radio listener. I’m not going to pretend to mourn because he didn’t have an impact on my life in any way and I doubt he ever will.

To all you complete frauds pretending his death affected you, you should be ashamed. Have some respect and just shut up. Your empty platitudes of praise will never help those who are genuinely mourning.

Deep Thoughts: “Pics, or it didn’t happen”

I’ve spent the last while floating around the place, and I was thinking about that famous phrase of the interwebs,

“Pics, or it didn’t happen”. So that’s going to be my theme for this little post here. I’d like to think that I don’t spend much time on the internet, but I tend to spend too much time here, looking at wikipedia articles about nothing I really care about and other such exciting thing. Then I realised that the internet is invading my life!

Yes, my friends, the internet has invaded my life. Recently I went into the City Centre (Dublin) to get me a book. I couldn’t find any, so I went to a nearby coffee shop. I ordered a black coffee like I always do, then went outside to the tables in the smoking area. I took out a smoke, and went to light it only to realise that my lighter was empty. I turned to the guy sitting behind me and guess who it was? Dylan Moran, one of my favourite comedians EVER! I played it cool (or at least tried to) and just asked for the lighter, and sure enough he handed me his lighter and when I had lit my smoke, I gave it back. Very ordinary, nothing absolutely amazing really. However when I mentioned to my friends that I borrowed Dylan Moran’s lighter, they said,

“Did you take any photos?”

I of course said no. They then assumed that my story was fake all because I didn’t have a picture. The only thing out of the ordinary about my story is the inclusion of Dylan Moran. Would they ask me for photos if I said that some guy with a beard let me borrow his lighter? NO! The big difference is that there’s someone that both sides recognise who they wouldn’t normally come across in everyday life. The result is, you must get star-struck and take a photo.

So let me just get this together now. I was supposed to go to Dylan and say,

“Hey, my friends aren’t going to believe me that you let me borrow your lighter. Can I get a picture with you to prove you were here?”. He’d look at me like I just farted really loudly and tell me to go away (and not in a polite way). It’s different if the conversation actually started off with asking permission for a photo, but to be honest I wasn’t exactly looking around for Dylan Moran at all. I was just looking for a god damned lighter.

So tell me peoples, what am I missing here? Is the ultimate lesson here to take a camera with me at all times, taking photos everywhere I go in case something mundane, but slightly cooler than normal, happens so that I can prove it to people who are sceptical because a single piece of information is a little out of the ordinary?

I sit through people’s stories about how they met some celebrity here and there and about how they did this and that and some of the other. In one case, a mate of mine claimed that he shagged Christina Aguilera. I’m supposed to believe or at least say that I believe these stories about how someone did something completely bizarre with someone really famous, and yet I can’t borrow a lighter off someone without being expected to take pictures.

Brilliant!

So what do you think? Should I have taken pictures? Or should I have told the friend in question to get a life?

Have fun,

Felix.

Hello world!

So I suppose this is where I tell you about myself. I don’t know what I’m going to say so I’m just going to prattle on until I get bored.

I’m from Dublin, that’s in Ireland for all those geographically challenged members of the community. I’m also a musician and composer, however because both of these vocations involve a lot of work that results in very little money, I also work in a Call Centre doing nightshifts. I know I said call centre, and the moment I say that almost everyone thinks I work for some kind of 24 hour telemarketing company. It’s not that kind of call centre, instead of us annoying the public, the public annoy us. In other words, it is a call outsourcing company. As for everything else about me, you’ll find out as I go along.

So why have I made this blog? Well I am going to review stuff. Specifically stuff designed to keep you awake. So lots of caffeine filled monstrosities and other things that are designed to keep you from falling asleep while also shaving a few years off your life in the process. Who better to do these kind of review than a guy who has to stay awake all night for a living? These reviews will be called “anti-somniac review: [insert name of product]“.

The first review will be entitled:

Anti-somniac review: “Coffee”

In it I will be discussing the advantages and disadvantages of using coffee as a method of helping you stay awake all night.

Until next time, have fun!

Felix