Bulmers Pear – Truth revealed! (contains references to poop!)

So over the last while I’ve had a load of people tell me this strange rumour about how a particular product had laxatives in it. Of course, I didn’t believe this for a second, surely there had to be an explanation that didn’t involve some guy in Quality Control sending a batch of this product back saying,

“There isn’t enough laxatives in it, send it back!”

Depending on where you are, you may find that this product is called Magners. Anyway, Bulmers/Magners is well known for their Apple cider. In fact it sponsors a Rugby League, as well as several sports teams, and are particularly well-known for the ad below and making The Kinks popular for about 4 months (since then the song has become known as “The Bulmers Ad” in Ireland). Here’s the video:

So anyway, 12 months or so ago we suddenly find out about this new product, BULMERS PEAR! People where wondering what it would taste like, even though Kopparberg had their own version that was out for an age and a half before-hand.

Now, when this new product came out, a rumour started spreading that Bulmers had put laxatives in the drink to discourage people from binge-drinking. This, to put things in the vernacular, is a load of Bauvine Excrement! I started my investigation by looking up laxatives on Wikipedia, usually I wouldn’t trust Wikipedia as a source, but then again, where better to find information on stuff relating to poop than the internet, where poop jokes reign!

The truth of the matter is that various fruits promote regularity of the bowels. This basically means that all of the poop will flow better if you eat these fruits, examples of these are orange juice and pears (complete list of foods that have a laxative effect). However if you over-indulge on said fruits you will wind pooping at a rate you weren’t exactly expecting. This is due to the fact that when too much regularity inducing foods are consumed, a laxative effect is experienced. Another example of this is mint, mint helps settle your stomach after a big meal, however if you eat too much mint, you’ll be racing for the toilet.

The problem with Bulmers Pear is that it is actually made with real pears. This means that in small quantities, this drink can help you keep your bowels good a regular. However in large quantities, it will cause stomach discomfort and a laxative effect, much like eating too many pears.

So I see you guys there about to ask,

“Well how do you know all of this?” and I shall tell you. I did a little experiment this week, I bought 8 cans of Bulmers Pear and a punnet of pears (contained 8 pears). I used the pears as a reference test, and discovered that after 8 pears I was rushing to the toilet and pooping like it was my one and only means of propulsion to get away from a horde of rampaging zombies (Wow, that was a crude simile). So about 24 hours later, I tried out the Bulmers Pear and got a strikingly similar result however these results only occurred after 5 cans.

Now to take care of all of you idiots who will say,

“But Felix, how many cans of this delicious beverage can I drink before I start redecorating the bathroom?”. The answer is, I don’t know… It all depends on your metabolism and your tolerance to alcohol and other such factors.

So if you wind up drinking Bulmers Pear and discovering that you’re pooping at a faster rate than normal, that is why. It’s because Bulmers took the time to put real fruit in their cider and the side-effect is not down to their product, but rather the natural characteristic of pears. So the next time you hear this rumour, don’t ring the number on the side of the can because now you know…. AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!

This product is very much delicious, and is definitely something worth drinking in this warm weather. As always, do try to drink responsibly, you don’t want to wind up sick, injured, arrested or dead, so do obey your local laws regarding the consumption of alcohol. Be sure to check out the home page to see the most recent articles. While you’re at it, be sure to follow me on twitter (Yes, I’ve joined the huddled masses finally).

Anyway, have fun!

Felix